Mother of Sons

There are so many ego traps that come with motherhood. Acting on theories on how people should be raised, fed, bathed and having these theories proven right can give you the false sense that you have life figured out when the bar was probably low to begin with.

In the first month of Rajah's entry into our lives, things have had to give here and there. For example, we have a yaya now (Reader: Gasp!). Malaya's going to school in June (Reader: The Horror!). And on this blog, there probably won't be a monthly photoshoot like we did for the kuya anymore (Reader: YOU MONSTERS!!!). Partly because the novelty of being new parents has worn off, partly also because it's too hard to do more than caring for the baby PLUS kuya to even organize these things. Have I become too lazy? Maybe. Has time given me perspective on what truly matters? Who knows.

For instance, after gathering tons of footage of Malaya's first year, this salted mother has figured out that 7 minutes of cleaning baby's butt is not valuable video material for year end videos.

So put that phone down and snort that baby while baby-smell abounds!!

But this isn't to say mementos aren't important. We still take hundreds of photos. They just aren't as stressful huge productions like before. Baby don't need no photoshoot anyway, and posting these photos probably annoys the random fb connection, a lot of whom arrived on my doorstep because of work and not my offspring.

But what has been new is the reaction of the firstborn to the whole experience of being an older brother. And our reaction to him.

The past month I spent zombie-mode. The yaya has been helping around with housekeeping and minding the kids while Im in the shower/eating. While it's great that there's someone to make sure we have home cooked meals and a clean house, she's easily become Malaya's personal butler. No matter how many times I tell her to allow Malaya to do things by himself, it's like she's hardwired to do things for him without him asking. Is it the urge to help small people because we don't trust their abilities/capacity to adapt? Or is it because she thinks it's her job? I will keep trying to get her to RIE with me.

But now he comes to me asking me to do things for him, which irritated me because I thought he was just being lazy. Or he'd repeat a trick he'd been praised for previously over and over again. Nobody likes a show off. And part of why I love RIE is because it demands you be real to your child.

The first two weeks I've been mean to him. I've snapped at him, I have been impatient with him, I've been dismissive and distant. I haven't given him much time, or attention, because I was either with the baby or too tired (Rajah is turning out to be a much more demanding baby than Malaya was).

And as a response Kuya's been clingy.

But he's not doing it because of just laziness. He's been trying to reel me back into the safe space between us that I created when it was just him and me, and I did things with him the RIE way. (can you believe overthinking relationships in the past led to this insight?)

Chris and I were talking about it, trying to figure out what was going on with Malaya. He used a word that just gave everything clarity. Cruelty. When I realised what I was doing, I broke down. I know what cruelty feels like. People I've loved and respected have been cruel to me, in retrospect because I was being annoyingly naive. It sucks. It stings. It's given me two years worth of depression. And here I am doing exactly that with someone who has every right to be annoyingly naive. Bad bad mom.

Since catching myself, I've been biting my tongue, trying to be more compassionate, and actively carving out time where I just focus on him or where I can include him in caring for his brother rather than chasing him away for being overeager.

And it has helped. He leaves me alone more after he's had his fill of affection. He doesn't force himself on me as much and has stopped whining. I can't do much about his roughness with his brother except stop him when he's smothering the baby too much with wet kisses.

I'm not perfect. Far from it. But I am trying to be a better person, if that's the best I can do for my sons.

P.S. Nya ang bana, samot ka wa nas passing. Hahahuhu

Plus one

So.... baby numero dos is on its way.

The boy is 3 years old now, and while there is a lot to say about his development, we've started keeping a physical portfolio for that, eliminating the need to journal here. Also, he's quickly growing into his own person and I think he prefers Superman to Aquaman (despite my desperate attempts to shield him from cartoons and pop culture. T_T)

Back to baby number 2. I'm 13 weeks into the pregnancy, still no idea what kind of sea monster this one's going to be so I'll talk about what it's like to go back to square one, albeit with toddler (or official child?) in tow.

This wasn't a completely accidental baby, as the partner and I had been open to the possibility of ending up with another "accident". To be honest, I'd been making the father creature read up on ideal age gaps between siblings and he'd chide me with "look for another sperm donor".

Mao ra'y gidangat.

I swear I didn't count on getting knocked up again though, my period's been irregular since Mr Kracken came along, so I had no way to measure ovulation and stuff.

Okay, too much info already. That's not what you're here for. You wanna know what it's going to be.

DRUMROLL PLEASE....

....

....

....

We don't know yet. SORRY GUYS.

If it's another boy, I expect hurricanes. If it's another girl, I expect a pouty boy. We asked future kuya if he wants a boy or a girl (as if expressing your wishes ever changes the X or Y component of the fertilizing sperm. Lol) and he insists he wants a minion. Hay nako.

I read up on the ramzi method, but we'd been out of the country for a month and weren't able to get that ultrasound until much too late to see whether the fetus was lying on the right or left side.

But it's healthy. Last ultrasound indicated it still had a tail, that was 3 weeks ago. The next check up isn't until after next week. 

I was warned that all pregnancies are different. One notable difference is that I'm not constantly panicking over whether I'm doing the right thing or not. I'm not being as anal about what I'm eating (altho I think I really should be). Another is the near constant morning sickness. I don't remember nausea being this bad the first go. The whole time we were in said other country (murica, the land of milk and munies), I couldn't stomach anything but berries and soup. When we got back, there were no more berries and puking nearly every night. I can't wait to be done with the first trimester.

Last pregnancy, I was in constant awe of ever single milestone. Now I just want to get this over with. The first trimester at least. I am not enjoying the fact that I'd just started getting in gym shape, and now I have no energy to reach my toes (while I still can). The puking is keeping me from turning into a blimp this early, but I haven't been able to get any exercise. I hope things change in the next few weeks though.

I am a little bit worried about how life could change with another kid. We were only starting to have lives again! I was beginning to have a career! Stuff like that. On the other hand, I really did want another, and one not too far away from the first so that we wouldn't have to go back to absolute zero. Certainly not when I'm too old to have worry free pregnancies. I don't know if I want to give birth after 30.

As far as similarities go, I still get crazy pregnancy dreams (but I don't need to be pregnant to have those), still intend to waterbirth, still intend to lotus birth, still intend to attachment parent. Trouble is, I doubt my previous OB will still attend to me. I still haven't found an OB in Cebu who would be open to my preferred birthing method. I checked out options in Murica but am confused about what it means to give birth there without insurance or citizenship.

So I'm gritting my teeth, trying to recall how painful the first time was. I think 3 years really is enough time to forget the ring of fire and start missing baby coo's and sly baby winks.

Which isn't to say I am not enjoying the first one's boyhood. Maybe I feel ready because he's starting to become more independent. He has more favorite people now, and he doesn't need to breastfeed anymore (partially because I've been turning him away because sore breasts during pregnancy are the worst), altho he still does sometimes for comfort. 

So we'll see. In the meantime, any suggestions for baby names?

To Vaccinate or Not to Vaccinate, and other misadventures the doctor probably needs to know about.

It's flu season.

*cue thunder & lightning*

The partner and I've been sneezing and sniffling and consuming rolls and rolls of tissue.

And the baby?

Nose is still congested, but he isn't as bad as his parental units. Also, we're both battling thrush. More on that later.

Have I mentioned we haven't gotten him vaccinated yet? When you need to research the hell out of every single thing your kid is going to go through (or yourself, whatever floats your boat), you really will take forever to do everything.

So, at a week before 3 months, the boy finally got his first shot. The BCG shot is for Tuberculosis, and is supposed to be the least dangerous. In any case, this was the pediatrician of the father creature who claims he never needed to go to the hospital for anything.

At the clinic, the doctor said he remembered Chris as a boy, that he was "boki kaayo", which I guess is Cutese for "he was really fat".

Pedia also said Malaya takes after Chris. I'd like to raise an argument against this point:

Proof

Except for his coloring, eyes, and facial expressions, baby takes after me! Also, check out le partner's baby-fro. Adorbz. :3

Ok, maybe coloring, eyes and facial expression make up 50%.

And then it was time for the shot. He cried a bit, and was okay the next minute. We were feeling pretty awesome.

Until 12 hours later, when Malaya was wailing like a little freshly-orphaned boy. We were dying from his misery. We almost needed to use the earplugs Lolo Lem gave us.

Home Sweet Home (Updates and a Feature!)

If I haven't posted anything, it's because things are kinda chaotic right now.

Before anything else though, Offbeat Families published Malaya's birth story the other day!

Overexcited Nanay shared the post, despite having been told off by her peers at the interlocal health zone, after people from our town assumed the waterbirth was a service the local hospital was giving now.

We're back home now. The paint fumes are gone, and the house isn't covered in cat dander anymore. The fire tree outside is in full bloom, with fallen flowers on our pathway like a red carpet for the boy.

Instead of tentacles, this is what Chris did to the vents for the AC:

The Boy turned a month old!

Technically on the 16th. But I've been too busy.

One month of baby love. There's been nothing but joy.

And sleepless nights.

And leaky boobs.

And the occasional disappointed baby from unmet concern.

And the staring strangers at the sudden public boob exposition.

And the frustrated mommy who couldn't figure out that he just needed a change.

The "Poop" face

This month really has been about change. No wonder people declare their children royalty. "My little princess", one facebook friend calls her totling. She forgets to sign out with her own new title: the groveling slave. Chris and I, former anarchists, are now the willing servants to this little dictator.

Pisti Ka Pain

I noticed Laya had taken to snorting like a pig through feedings, without the expected porcine appetite the other day. We were set to go to the beach the next day for sunlight and saltwater to help heal my lady-parts. I thought we should pay the pedia a visit just to get the snorting and wheezing checked. He was diagnosed with mild pneumonia and sent to the hospital for antibiotics.

I, the big neurotic, broke down in mommy's office as we discussed what could have led to the pneumonia. He'd only had it for a day, so the waterbirth was ruled out. Maybe it was how he was always naked. Maybe it was how we lived in a nipa house in the mountains, where the summer sun baked us hot in the mornings, while the breeze blew us cold in the evenings. Maybe it was how mommy and daddy kept sneezing. Maybe it was how we were always generous with kisses. Maybe it was my laziness in burping him after feeding. Maybe it was the angle at which I was feeding him.

Argh. I feel like a bad mom. For all my naningness, it seemed I missed the obvious rules on newborn parenting. My own mom told me to pull myself together, that this was just the beginning.

After the IV was inserted, and the doctor administered a nasal spray, his appetite returned and the wheezing all but stopped. He still has mucous in his nostrils, and we're supposed to finish the antibiotics, so we're still here.

One of my aunts came to visit and noticed the IV stopped dripping, and there was a spot of blood on the bandages where the needle's supposed to be connected to a vein - all indications that the dextrose was no longer connected and needed to be reattached. I asked Chris to go with the nurse while reattachment was done.

Meanwhile, I sit here, cursing the world of pain Malaya is entering. Nevermind that he's only smiling through it and healing faster than expected.

I am honestly embarrassed by my wussiness in the face of my baby's pain. He's a strapping young fellow with an infectious laughter, never mind that we have no idea what he's laughing at (probably his neurotic mommy), why should I worry?

Man, how is this kid going to be able to ever do cool things like cliff diving; coconut tree climbing; bungee jumping; wolf wrestling; etc. etc. if mommy's afraid of a few bugs and needles?

I'm sorry baby. I need to work on these nerves of mine. I'm just glad you're not empathizing and crying out for me.

1 Week Old Malaya

Breastfeeding isn't as painful anymore. My angle was all wrong. It still hurts, specially when he clamps onto the nipple faster than I can get all of it in. Props to Ninong Jerome for linking me to the La Leche League Website. xD

No serene nursing photos for juu. At least not yet.

Chris and I ran out of clothes yesterday. Chris just packed light, while I didn't have too many shitproof/breastfeeding friendly clothes. Lola Diana suggested we leave the baby in her airconditioned office while we go Ukay-ukay crazy.

Spell separation anxiety. >.<

Postpartum Postsmartum Paranoia

There's something a lot of people leave out when they tell you about pregnancy - they don't tell you you'd feel like a Tikbalang had his way with you in the aftermath.

But if the Horse was Khal Drogo, it wouldn't be rape.

My. Whole. Body. Hurts.

They also don't say much about how difficult breastfeeding can be. Malaya doesn't have tongue tie. I just didn't know how to feed him. We're also still learning, and although the learning curve is painful, a rock hard breast is worse than a scratched nipple. VCO's been a wonderful nipple cream btw.

And much less likely were the chances of anyone warning me about how much of a hassle it is to bring around baby's still intact umbilical cord and placenta.

Week 32: Instincts Shmintincts

I got another ultrasound today and saw le baby's face for the first time.

I'm convinced that he is the most gwapo creature in the whole wide world (Even though the ultrasound was 2d, reception wasn't clear, my head was facing away from the monitor and the child might as well be humpbacked and harelipped*)!!! ^____^

His tummy is smaller than the rest of him for some reason, and his cord's settled into a loose noose around his neck. The technician told me he isn't in any danger tho, so I guess this just means I need to give in to the food porn more often.

I heard home births weren't allowed in the Philippines anymore months ago. My doctor assured me I'd be able to as long as she assisted with the birthing. But with the due date coming closer and closer (8 weeks to go today!), I decided to investigate my rights. By investigating, I mean:

1. Constantly bugging maternal lola (admin of the local hospital) for information from the DOH representative about the homebirth ban;
2. Googling the keywords "philippine homebirth ban";
3. Asking people on facebook about it.

My investigation proved fruitless, and since I was all set anyway, I didn't bother any further. It sounded too silly to be taken seriously anyway. I mean what are they going to do, sue Nora Aunor**?

Mommy friend Rei told me the homebirth issue was on TV tonight. I don't watch TV tho, so I googled again and found this philstar article about an unnamed NGO opposing the DOH policy posted just tonight (Ah, so it's a DOH policy. Thank you philstar for clearing that up!)

I agree with this group, on all counts.