In the first month of Rajah's entry into our lives, things have had to give here and there. For example, we have a yaya now (Reader: Gasp!). Malaya's going to school in June (Reader: The Horror!). And on this blog, there probably won't be a monthly photoshoot like we did for the kuya anymore (Reader: YOU MONSTERS!!!). Partly because the novelty of being new parents has worn off, partly also because it's too hard to do more than caring for the baby PLUS kuya to even organize these things. Have I become too lazy? Maybe. Has time given me perspective on what truly matters? Who knows.
For instance, after gathering tons of footage of Malaya's first year, this salted mother has figured out that 7 minutes of cleaning baby's butt is not valuable video material for year end videos.
So put that phone down and snort that baby while baby-smell abounds!!
But this isn't to say mementos aren't important. We still take hundreds of photos. They just aren't
But what has been new is the reaction of the firstborn to the whole experience of being an older brother. And our reaction to him.
The past month I spent zombie-mode. The yaya has been helping around with housekeeping and minding the kids while Im in the shower/eating. While it's great that there's someone to make sure we have home cooked meals and a clean house, she's easily become Malaya's personal butler. No matter how many times I tell her to allow Malaya to do things by himself, it's like she's hardwired to do things for him without him asking. Is it the urge to help small people because we don't trust their abilities/capacity to adapt? Or is it because she thinks it's her job? I will keep trying to get her to RIE with me.
But now he comes to me asking me to do things for him, which irritated me because I thought he was just being lazy. Or he'd repeat a trick he'd been praised for previously over and over again. Nobody likes a show off. And part of why I love RIE is because it demands you be real to your child.
The first two weeks I've been mean to him. I've snapped at him, I have been impatient with him, I've been dismissive and distant. I haven't given him much time, or attention, because I was either with the baby or too tired (Rajah is turning out to be a much more demanding baby than Malaya was).
And as a response Kuya's been clingy.
But he's not doing it because of just laziness. He's been trying to reel me back into the safe space between us that I created when it was just him and me, and I did things with him the RIE way. (can you believe overthinking relationships in the past led to this insight?)
Chris and I were talking about it, trying to figure out what was going on with Malaya. He used a word that just gave everything clarity. Cruelty. When I realised what I was doing, I broke down. I know what cruelty feels like. People I've loved and respected have been cruel to me, in retrospect because I was being annoyingly naive. It sucks. It stings. It's given me two years worth of depression. And here I am doing exactly that with someone who has every right to be annoyingly naive. Bad bad mom.
Since catching myself, I've been biting my tongue, trying to be more compassionate, and actively carving out time where I just focus on him or where I can include him in caring for his brother rather than chasing him away for being overeager.
And it has helped. He leaves me alone more after he's had his fill of affection. He doesn't force himself on me as much and has stopped whining. I can't do much about his roughness with his brother except stop him when he's smothering the baby too much with wet kisses.
I'm not perfect. Far from it. But I am trying to be a better person, if that's the best I can do for my sons.
P.S. Nya ang bana, samot ka wa nas passing. Hahahuhu
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