We have a noisy toddler

Most of you ninangs already know the boy's been big on banging things since he was 10 months old. I blame daddy's album launch, when we took him to the gig. I also blame Uncle Karl Boy* who let the small one sit on the drums after a The Pervs gig at the now defunct Outpost.

I don't want to make it a big deal, but it's important to him. He no longer says his name when you ask him. He says "Drummer ko."

There was a point when he'd insist on watching drum cover videos all the time. So Meytal Cohen videos as soon as he'd wake up, and then more Meytal before he went to sleep.

And then he got to this phase where he'd listen to nothing but From Can to Can't (from Dave Grohl's Sound City album).

Every time we went somewhere that had a drum set, we'd have to wrestle him away from the set. It's especially embarrassing when there's ALREADY a band playing.

Mamita got him a plastic drum set that for a time was his everyday thing. At first the beats were just noise, accompanying the hum of us praying the landlord doesn't evict us.

And then over time the noise started acquiring order, and we realised the boy could do 16 beats.

Nobody taught him how to drum. Now and then Chris would point out what the names of all the different parts of his drum set were until that set broke down and he took to turning our foldable chairs into a set, announcing which seat was which drum. This is how we plan to educate him - by exposure, encouraging his interests by asking questions and by guiding him to relevant information.

The drumming died down with his discovery of Peppa Pig and the English language, shapes and colors. Numbers are still sort of a learning curve, but he likes singing to them. (Note: If you want to get your kids started on the alphabet and reading and you have an Ipad, download Endless Alphabet and the other apps. We just left the apps on the ipad and he found them himself, so it wasn't forced. Yes we do screen time. We are conscious about the adverse effects and assure you that's not all he does.)

And then Imadyina regrouped and we couldn't find a babysitter for our first rehearsal. So we took him to the studio and now the drumming's returned big time.

He's liked System of a Down for some time. One night, we noticed he was actually playing along.

Now before you get excited, this is important: He's still learning. We try to keep ourselves from gushing, and truth is when you're exposed to the banging 24/7, it doesn't get an extreme response from us. Please don't make it a big deal that he's a toddler playing the drums. By drummer standards, he's not even that good yet. He just enjoys doing it and enjoys learning, I wouldn't want him to do it to serve as entertainment. Yes, we've seen all of the baby drum videos on youtube. Our goal is not to get a spot on Ellen. Children don't know how to handle too much attention.

So enough yawyaw na from mommy.

*Karl says every family has an Uncle Boy. He's taken it upon himself to honor the tradition.

How to spot a fake hands-on-mom

You don't.

You just don't.

You don't check women's nails; you don't see if their eyebrows are perfect; you DO NOT ask them if there's a yaya or a hands-on-daddy willing to take the weight off. Unless of course you're willing to give them a couple seconds' respite. We all have different experiences and different situations. Unsa man ka, fashion police?

There's an article circulating facebook, about how you're supposed to spot fake hands on moms.

I saw it twice, one from a very hands on fashion blogger friend (no yayas in America); and from a mommy who has a supportive tribe. Both of them were upset by the generalisations of the article. I had to read it too.

Someone should tell the author it takes a village to raise a child. Someone should tell her about postpartum depression. Someone should tell the author this kind of combative language does not help us at all.

What if you're a single mother and you have the sort of job where you're required to wear high heels and nails? What if you leave them with someone in the morning and return to them - to the baby food, the diapers, the sleepless nights in the evening? Does that make you a "fake" hands-on-mom?

I wonder how many more mothers were upset by the tone of this article.

I wonder how many more mothers are trying to still retain a sense of self after all the pressure to become second to their children.

I wonder how many more mothers buy this line of thinking.



That the only valid mother is the sort who disappears.



If I were to let my narrative be defined by this article, I would say that I belong to the fake hands on mom category.

I put makeup on to cover the dark circles around my eyes from 3am feedings. I get a mani-pedi whenever I can (which is whenever my mom's around so we can take turns watching Malaya). I can't help color coordinated outfits. We happen to have a very detailed grooming ritual where the boy is a full participant. It also takes hours for us to get ready to go out (and even THAT's a rare event).

We have a helper who comes in the mornings to do laundry and clean the house. Sometimes she helps out with the boy. Half of the time, daddy carries/wrestles/talks to him. In the mornings he talks to his mamita over facetime. We are also (still) breastfeeding. We are also doing a hundred things "wrong", and I am constantly in shambles wondering if I'm raising the next Jack-the-Ripper.

I also happen to think I am in charge of taking care of myself. Sometimes I feel guilty for taking the time away from the boy when I'm writing. But I've trained him to entertain himself so I can have some ME-time as well. And when I'm done with my time, and he's done with his alone time, my attention is fully with him and he is focused on me. No matter if we are playing, or grooming, or eating, or whatever. He is healthy and happy. And that to me is all that matters.

I wish the article instead said "It's okay to be imperfect mommy. So am I."